What’s REALLY Bothering Me

I don’t want to be seen anywhere right now. I don’t want to go to the pool. I don’t want to go to the beach. Anywhere where I cannot wear sweatshirts and big shirts is somewhere I don’t want to be. Sophomore year of college I was at my LOWEST weight ever and I loved every minute of it. Weight was dropping off like water. So fast and so easy. Granted I was moving a lot more, but I was miserable. I was so slow cognitively and it was even harder for me to live my life. But I was skinny.


Today, I am at my heaviest in my life. I am so miserable with my weight. I’m soooo tired to work out even though I know I need to. I am hungrier than ever as well. And what does being so skinny and so thick have to do in common? Meds and disease. This is all part of it. It is somewhat out of my control and it kills me inside.  I wouldn’t mind being 20-30 lbs. from where I am right now. I started a diet today, and I think it will go well. I just have to work on getting myself to work out again. I have a trainer back home but I am visiting my parents for a month. It just kills me.

I took pictures tonight and I went through them and started deleting them and my friend got so pissed at me. It just scares me how heavy I’ve gotten. It’s not like I consistently sit and eat McDonald’s everyday. My diet is very healthy compared to most people. It’s just the amount I can eat. My doctor told me I can have as much watermelon, or carrots, or apples as I want so I am working on that right now. It’s nothing that can currently be changed because the meds are working in my favor regarding my headaches and quality of life. But weight just bothers me so much even though its just a number…




6 thoughts on “What’s REALLY Bothering Me

  1. Have you read the Wahl’s Protocol? It’s a way of treating autoimmune disease through diet and lifestyle. It;s written by Dr Terry Wahls, a dr who got her own autoimmune disease, progressive MS into remission following the diet and lifestyle programme

  2. As someone who has done yo-yo dieting ALL of my life & constantly struggled with any type of happiness with my body (whether it was at my lowest, highest, balanced weight), the one thing I can tell you that helped me was complete and utter acceptance and removing that obsession from your mind. It is the HARDEST THING TO DO, but I’ve kept up with your blog and it seems like you’ve been through alot all ready so there’s not a doubt in my mind you can do this! Instead of focusing how your elbow looks in a picture (yes, I’m guilty of deleting a pic bc of elbow fat), put your whole self into having fun at the baseball game, laughing with friends, enjoying that moment. The less the obsession, weight, and food have to do with your life; the better – I promise! Sorry for the essay!! And as someone who TOTALLY gets it, feel free to reach out!

    1. Wow thank you so much! That meant a lot I will for sure try to work on it. Thank you again for it I appreciate it so much!!

  3. Hi Sydney,

    Starting to pick up exercise after a while again. Used to exercise so much, but got in a slump. Anyhoo… I’m more the eat healthy and binge eat type of person. However one thing I’ve learned, besides self esteem, is to eat and train regularly and enjoy some things. For results this works the best for me.

    Other than that, I would focus on loving your body for what it is and who you are. Beauty is only skin deep. I used to be too skinny all the time naturally, and had to work out to get more muscles and tone. Part of it was because an ex bf had said I would be fat later in life, and it freaked me out, and sent me on this obsessive way of life for years, trying to be in shape, not get fat. Now I see it was his problem not mine. So, not saying you have esteem issues or anything, but hope it helps.

    There is a difference between being a healthy weight or and being overweight/underweight. If you eat healthy and ecxercise and you get at a certain weight (not counting effects of medications), then that could be a good weight for you, and easily to attain naturally, instead of yo-yo dieting or beating yourself up for example, which it sounds your being hard on yourself. Could be good for motivation, I need a swift kick in the rear to motivate me too every once in a while, but don’t let it get too much, where your live becomes miserable because of how you feel, which it kinds sound like in your post, and I’ve been there, trust me. There is so much more to life than just weight, and accepting yourself can make you feel in a better place regarding body stuff, and interactions with people who care about you, they won’t care about a pound more or less, as long as your healthy.

    T.G. XO

    1. Hi T.G.-
      Thank you so much for the comment. I truly appreciate it. You are so right. It’s just really really hard seeing my weight go up and down and it really messes with your confidence as you said. Beauty is only skin deep you are really right. I need to try to make this negative into a positive and I will work on it. This really meant so much. Thank you xoxo 💕

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