The Days I Wish I Was Normal

I have a lot of free time which has caused some not so great habits to start. First off, a major one is negative self talk. I beat myself up a lot. I compare myself to a normal person and question why I am not always busy and running around. This has caused me to be upset especially because I have a lot of friends who are too busy to check their phones. Which then, causes me to get lonely. I am a very social person and have MAJOR FOMO issues. I’ve missed out on so much that I jump at every opportunity to busy myself even if it’s a terrible idea for me. I tend to also look at my past and look at how skinny I am. This then makes me want to work out but obviously I have major limitations and fatigue so it becomes frustrating. Another issue is patience. I’ve seriously lost all patience over anything and I think it maybe one of my meds doing it to me. I can’t sit in class unless I am obsessively checking the clock and counting down the minutes and then I frustrate myself. If someone tells me to hold on, that really gets me too. If I am waiting for food, I get frustrated. I basically get frustrated in any situation that requires patience and I used to never be that way. Another thing I tend to have is MAJOR BAD LUCK. Major bad luck started back in 11th grade, and ever since its been one thing after another. Sure I have good things happen to me, but anything bad pretty much always happens to me which is frustrating in its own. Feeling Misunderstood. No matter what anyone says, pretty much no one understands what I am going through and what I go through on a daily basis. I love my parents and they are the people who can most understand because they’ve been by my side consistently, but they still don’t understand what I go through and how I feel because they are not in my body. I need to find ways to keep busy that aren’t energy consuming–hence why I blog. I think I need a few other hobbies if anyone has any good suggestions (i.e. knitting but I don’t think I have patience for that haha.)  I think about how people can do so much in one day and it doesn’t make sense to me anymore. I used to be that person who could keep up and do what I wanted and know that it has gotten taken away for 3 years, I really can’t understand what it feels like to be normal. Sadly, I’ve really forgotten what I was like before I was sick. I try to think back but a lot of it is now blacked out. On to making new memories that hopefully I will remember!

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3 thoughts on “The Days I Wish I Was Normal

  1. I hope you find the strength to FIND patience! I personally need to find it too! I must say I have little and it is making me seem mean!😣

  2. Hmmm… I have a lot of things to say but not sure how to put it. These are pretty much feelings that all of us go through friend! Everyone else seems to be super busy, in shape, in control of everything that is happening around them , BUT US! There are good days and bad days. You have a specific reason to say why you feel the way you do. But for most of us, we don’t even know why we feel that way.
    Wishing you better days ahead.

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