My Deepest Struggle~

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May 2015- February 2017

This is a really rough topic for me. Tears are flowing down my face because of it. When I had my first flare in autoimmune disease I gained ALOT of weight. To me, its my worst nightmare and I never want to go back. The past two years, I dropped 50+ pounds and became really skinny. I felt like I could wear what I finally wanted to, and felt super comfortable in my skin. People would always compliment how skinny I got.

I just learned that autoimmune disease comes with weight struggle. My doctor told me that I would struggle with it my weight for the rest of my life. I know for a lot of people its a normal struggle but it’s a different struggle for me. A lot of factors are involved like medications (some make you gain and some make you lose) and the amount of activity I am allowed to do. It’s so frustrating let me tell you. It bothers me every day, every week, every moment. Recently, going through treatment I’ve gained around 15 lbs. A lot of my newer clothes are tight on me and as girl its one of the most worst feelings you can feel. The reason I walk around in black work out clothing everyday is because it’s stretchy and I feel like I can cover up weight gain more easily. I also like big sweaters and coats because no one can tell. It’s kind of funny because you’re probably thinking during treatment I was being a couch potato and stuffing my mouth, but that was not the case. During treatment I would walk a mile a day, eat excessive amounts of fruits and veggies desperately trying to maintain my weight. For autoimmune people, its not as easy as making life style changes because our bodies unfortunately cannot adapt to some of them. Right now, I am trying my best to take the weight off before I go back to school. But, I don’t even want to leave my place in summer clothing. I’ve since changed my eating habits once again to see if it will make the slightest difference. But, I can tell you one thing, I am not going back to what I was when I first got sick, I’ll never let myself live that way again.


15 thoughts on “My Deepest Struggle~

  1. Oh my goodness girl I’m so sorry to hear this. 🙁 I’m here for you as a friend anytime you need someone, okay?? And just fyi you’re an incredibly beautiful person, and I know you can continue fighting and be a beautifully brave soul through all of this. <3 xxx

  2. Be gentle with yourself.

    It would be nonsense to pretend that it doesn’t matter how you look. You’re young. It’s normal to care. You should try to look your best.

    But it is also troubling to hear language about hiding or covering up, as if your body is shameful. It is not. You are not. Your weight does not define your value as a person. I think you know that. It just sounds like you are despairing.

    After I got sick, I lost more than 20 lbs. In some ways that’s good–I hit my goal weight, what I weighed in college, and that’s a healthy number for me. AND YET, it was emotionally hard for me to watch my body disappear. I lost weight because of a strict diet I needed to ease my constant pain. I felt like I was LOSING something, like my illness was TAKING from my body. It hurt me emotionally.

    Be angry about your loss of control. Admit to that, and work on it. But also cherish the working parts of your body. Be grateful every day that your legs let you walk, your hands let you hold things, etc. Try to find more things to love about your body than to change. Even in illness, we have so much more that we could lose.

    1. Wow. Thank you so much. This means alot and you are truly such an inspiration as well. I needed to hear this! Xx

  3. Hi! Thank you for sharing! I have the same struggle with wait and it weighs on my soul. I hate everything about gaining weight. It’s so defeating.

  4. Thank you so much for writing this! I would love to be able to wipe those tears away 😘 I feel you, luv; I’m in the same boat – autoimmune disease and struggling not to gain any more weight. Struggling to accept the new me. I’ll walk beside you if you like 💞🌺

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