When I started having flare ups and no one had any idea of what was going on, I turned to writing. Over a series of months, I would write several analogies comparing certain elements of nature to my pain .My first flare started 10/01/14. I have decided to share 3 excerpts of what I’ve written over the past 3 years. I hope you guys can take something good away from all of them! xoxo
Waves aren’t always your friend. Some are calm of course, and some want to drag you under until you suffocate. When you’re being held under by a wave, you have to fight against the current to catch your breath again. That’s exactly how a “flare up” or “spike” works for me. The breath is my doctor throwing every procedure and medication at me. The fight against the current is me constantly not giving up. But sometimes you can pass out when you reach up for that breath, and that’s where I am. I have a pulse but I need more than just a breath, which is why I’m being hospitalized for a few weeks for treatment. No matter what, I will always believe there’s a purpose for why that wave choose me.
It happened again. The storm came ashore and the calm left beach. Just breathe. I felt the numbness from temple to temple and then my eyes started their episode. It’s okay, I know it will stop eventually. Then the fire shot up out of my brain and the tears started to welt up out of my eyes and I knew. The acid pours slowly down my brain like molten lava. I miss everything. I miss my friends, my plans, the way I looked before I was sick and so much more. I feel like a 90 year old stuck in a 18 year olds body when I’m in a storm. I’m sore everywhere, everything aches. But when I go out I just put on a smile and pretend like it’s another day. I’m glad to be here and I’m glad to be a part of life. Of course everyday is a struggle but I know in time the storm will dissipate and the waves will begin to calm again.
So much can happen to one person in 6 months, for me it’s been a near standstill. Imagine seeing a bad accident on a highway and you’re going zero miles an hour then you start moving again, maybe 5 miles an hour then you stop again and wait hopelessly. In the past 6 months-I can’t tell you how much pain and agony I’ve been through. Im pretty sure I’ve seen death a few times too. I keep telling myself deep breaths it’s okay it will all be over soon it’s just a bad dream. The countless amount of times I have to tell my story and get the same reaction is infinite but it’s okay because maybe in the future, I’ll be helping someone else. Being sick you can achieve the impossible and also have to give up many things. I got into University of Miami and it’s a school a yearn to go to and I know I am just not able to attend no matter what I do. I reached the impossible by getting myself in there because I am not even what they are looking for. It’s all part of the journey I was chosen to take. After six months I just have so many questions. Why do young people get sick? Today, I walked into my new doctors and I was the youngest person there and she had told me that I am here youngest patient receiving treatment.
“Push through” has been an overused phrase in my vocabulary in these 6 months. I push through to have plans with my friends (which I fake like Im not in pain), I push through to run errands and I push through to get out of bed most days. At this point my doctors could have given up on me and shipped me off to an out of state hospital but they believed in me. Optimism is key and it is something Im starting to forget quite often. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
A lesson to myself
Looking back at these posts, I have seen how far I’ve come even though I’m still not in good health. Life could be a lot worse, and a lot of people have it way worse than I do. I believe I should be beyond thankful for each minute I have on this earth because you never know how much time you have here. xoxo